the threat of happiness

It comes every now and then, this threat of happiness and I don’t care to trust it. There’s a conspiracy hatched by god, his angels, zeus, sandman, and whoever else is fucking in charge to keep me from it. They dangle happiness like a mexican piñata and like a toddler I fall for it, believing that if I hit the donkey…

Only it never happens. The piñata swings the other way and there is the swoosh of my bat slicing through air.

Last night I dreamt I was forced to leave Thailand and had to relocate somewhere where they don’t wrap fabric around trees believed to be inhabited by spirits. I woke relieved to find myself in my flat in Sathorn and that nothing had in fact changed. As I strolled to my favourite cafe this morning, I smiled at everyone. You’re allowed to smile in Bangkok, and people smile back. I pampered myself with granola with organic yogurt and two cups of cappuccino. Wrote for four hours and afterwards painted my nails black.

Yes it’s looking like a good life and it frightens me writing about this imminent happiness. I don’t want to say that it’s coming, that it’s here. They might find out that I sucker punched the piñata and then I’m fucked. But I need to make note of it, scrawl it on the back of an envelope– or on this blog– so I remember that this is real, that I felt it, that I’m not a writer writing fiction, but a writer writing about her small life.

About listentothebabe

writing is the teeth that gnaw on my bones.

30 comments

  1. There’s a kind of freedom being unhappy, isn’t there? There’s a kind of freedom in thinking: well, what else could go wrong? Been through a whole lot, still standing, bring it on. Whereas happiness is something you’re afraid to acknowledge in case you jinx it. When you’ve been through some things in life, it takes more courage to be happy.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. estelea

    Carpe Diem 🙂 the gods of happiness know how to deal with you… I bet they’ll get you again, and again…you’ll have to live with it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ve inspired me to write about a dream I had about a week ago – actually a nightmare — but it might be a gross out. Maybe I’ll still write it. Happy Friday!

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. I hope your worst fears were not realized!

    Liked by 1 person

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  9. You should consider yourself lucky that you had a bad dream you can still remember when you woke up. Wait until you have the nightmare you can’t even remember even right after you wake up sweating and trembling all over.

    Now THAT is what I call a true nightmare.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. (Pssst. It really IS a conspiracy…)

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Andy

    Carefully with that happiness-thing. It’s generally unhealthy … but not always.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. estelea

    Reblogged this on Estelea's Blog and commented:
    I never trust self proclaimed writers. I have been living in the Philippines long enough to know that karaoké screamers, in spite of their say, are definitely not singers. Same for writers. As shouting in a mic does not make you a singer, taping on a clipboard does not make you a writer either.
    Real writers are alchemists : they do magic with words. They turn them, twist them, color them, and mix them so well they become life. Their clipboard is more than letters. Animated with their spirit, it becomes a magic wand. Real writers don’t just write : they take you on a trip, they talk to your soul and play with your senses. I know one of them. She totally embodies the words of John Green about writing “It’s a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don’t want to make eye contact while doing it”. Welcome to her world:

    Liked by 3 people

  13. “…so I remember that this is real, that I felt it, that I’m not a writer writing fiction, but a writer writing about her small life.”
    And what a pleasure is to read about your life. Not only because you are happy or unhappy at times, but more because of the way you say it. You are gifted with words and know how to choreograph them like a ballerina, making a sequence of raw, simple, eloquent words’ movements that leave me either in awe, reflection or simply triggered to read more.
    Does it matter if the gods or sandman bring or take happiness? It shouldn’t, as you are the master of yours. And what’s happiness after all?
    Perhaps just as your post shows, it’s a new way of seeing things. The same things that were already there before.

    Liked by 1 person

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